difficult conversations summary pdf

PDF; 8.95 Buy Copies; Executive Summary. If they refuse to accept your version of the story, paraphrase what youâre getting from their... 2. �Q�A:;41UE\*�N�%��%�z�U8B�ʠ�*V�t��Ҙ��Q��S�b��KMy��r�B�Qj�FSƀ�)=��Ӧ�*�?MN+S��|�[� �� We find these too vague to be satisfying. Humans are complex: no human is all good or all bad. Whether the face-off results in a home run or a strikeout is the result of the interaction between the two individuals. We usually assume bad intentions so quickly that we donât realize itâs an assumption â we think itâs a fact. flag. The stories we tell ourselves are built in systematic, if unconscious ways â they arenât random or without cause. Difficult Conversations focus on raising your awareness of what's going on outside and inside you so you can better adjust yourself not to get lost in the emotional state that usually surrounds those types of conversations. Often get frustrated by an author who doesn't get to the point? They are not about being hurt by an action or word they are about how that action or word was interpreted and the impact on our values, what it meant to me. g the Structure of Difficult Conversations Surprisingly, despite what appear to be infinite variations, all difficult conyersations share .a common structure. %PDF-1.5 %�� Summary Thoughts . You will face difficult conversations throughout your life, but now you can learn how to cope with them. The first big-picture change to make is how we think of difficult conversations. Negotiate your brain back to curiosity. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values. endstream endobj 1499 0 obj <>stream Spouses, partners, landlords, tenants, neighbors, team members, employees, colleagues, patients, doctors â everyone can use it. We never outgrow them, or get a promotion that saves us from them, or meet a person whoâs so perfect for us we never have to have them. Then, we need to negotiate our feelings with ourselves before going into a difficult conversation. The major difficulty most people face is that they view their identity as all-or-nothing. Do try to understand why theyâre behaving that way. “ – GEORGE BERNARD SHAW. Difficult conversations are a constant throughout life, at work, at home, and in the world. The goal is to identify what contributions both parties made, and how each partyâs reactions are part of an overall pattern in the relationship. Have you noticed how often people will repeat themselves or double-down on an argument in a difficult conversation? The Feelings Conversation will only improve for the better if we work at getting better at sharing our feelings. But the rewards of improving will be worth the effort required. )U!��$5�X�3/9�� (�$5�j�%V*�'��&*��r" (,!��!�0b;�C��Ң2(��ɘ� � I�8/ What facet of your identity is at risk? Secondly, after we take in what information we can, Peopleâs actions and why they make sense. Listening is an incredibly important skill in a difficult conversation. I��Uo�X'�o��ñ��jO�3rސ7�-y~%�F.X[��`m��"'��\��,`%+��+a� G�#��r�9��df� S�l�g�3�$�`�(�Qأ�Ga��n7�~=��t�p��Qf*2��Le�"S��Tf*2��+zW�+�+zW�K�w��_��b�9(栜�b�9(�`��aFg��lt68� �Fg��lt68� �Fg�s��|�-\��\ Keep reading! This really means we need to get better at listening if we expect others to truly listen to us. Such conversations are typically made uncomfortable by the fear of consequences and may involve any issue that is hard for people to discuss. Download PDF summary of "Difficult Conversations" by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen. endstream endobj 1500 0 obj <>stream Do you have reasons you havenât expressed yet? 1-Page PDF Summary of Difficult Conversations Difficult conversations are a constant throughout life, at work, at home, and in the world. This can help you incorporate the other personâs perspective and still share your own. This is rarely the case. Other peopleâs actions make us feel certain ways depending on our past experiences and personal emotional baggage. ‘What capacity do we need as leaders to demonstrate authenticity and build credibility and trust? We recognize major emotions, but fail to identify the complexities or the reasons. This book provides a framework and various strategies for achieving better outcomes from hard exchanges. People want someone to blame, they blame the person in charge, they get rid of that person, then the system is allowed to continue in the same fashion.). 0 �&$DA�� "��DB�*�*��RP�.��5 K�l"�M:�%*~>��;s�9o~3�|A \�F��Ni�B�G��/L�[�Srr�� u��N)u:��k��UAQc�-�+�f��@��9y�/X_cG�|�� Lc?c��GnL��[��&��UK�uÍ��8瑒6q��j6��3�~�~�d��ɋ&\��K&嗴��Xf�J��o�F�^�o2*�z>�a�X�[�X�ݱ��d�ҳ��(h � Xm%;��|>ޣ�|�ߞ��xDˌ��4M�_2іd�?M+��7��y9?�e�;xO��O�i>�g��{��?�P�W�Tw�^��+��h�6HF[��+�DO�� C!&��bf�,.�ټ��i�(�"(��e�0A㨈&��4�f��4�P�@o�z��~:��g��X$�/2QL��4�P0ŐC6�)�F�HMc�Q�Ie4��i6m�-��v�b^˯�F^�RZΕ��y+@ݍpV��ު��˛� ��lk�ʠCtXe��rP��@Y�z�L.�q|��%�5` ��H��x�ꮆ��(S��|�H}��U] 7��ftF:2��{� �8*�K�e��H+Ɋ�R,�J�kP-�LL��-�G�PfZ�x?l�r/�5\��ꨰn��$�LX�pŎ��^v�=Ծ�n��g�o�{��p. Weâre always quick to assume that other people have bad intentions, though we give ourselves a lot of leeway when we hurt someone because we know that wasnât our intention. Youâll ruin your own reputation by doing the same thing theyâve done. We are going to lose our balance in difficult conversations over identity issues. Just because someone hurt your feelings (impact) doesnât mean thatâs what they were trying to do (intention). As discussed before, listening allows you to understand the other personâs perspective, which will always be constructive for you. Even though from our perspective the blame looks one-sided, in reality everyone has contributed in some way.For example, in baseball, think about a pitcher and a batter facing off. For example, a mother reacted badly to her adopted daughter wanting to find her birth mother: âYou wonât find what youâre looking for and youâll just get hurt.â The daughter can use the And Stance to reframe this comment: âYou might be right, I might put a ton of time and energy into it and not find anything, or find something that upsets me, For example, an employee whoâs been asked to work an extra weekend might say, âI understand that you want someone to be able to deal with the supplier issue, but it seems to me that Bill, the assistant manager on the schedule this weekend, can handle it. Below is a preview of the Shortform book summary of Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen. Enter your email to access the best PDF summary of "Difficult Conversations" by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen. But thereâs so much information to take in that. How do they view your contributions? Difficult Conversations walks you through a proven, concrete, step-by-step approach for understanding and conducting tough conversations. Performance reviews sometimes start this way: âhow do you think youâve been doing?â This will only activate the other personâs anxiety and immediately trigger their defensiveness, and theyâll probably imagine that what you have to say is far worse than what you actually think. 1495 0 obj <> endobj 2 Ingredients of Difficult Conversations Differing Perceptions In most difficult conversations, there are different perceptions of the same reality. Personally, it has helped me to regulate the approach to these situations and give a mental structure to help in the process. The solution is for the parties to identify and understand their feelings, negotiate … Here are some phrases for starting productively: Leading questions convey an opinion but demonstrate that youâre unwilling to share it directly. Typically, your inner voice is thinking about the 3 conversations we covered - What Happened, Feelings, and Identity. endstream endobj startxref 1504 0 obj <>/Filter/FlateDecode/ID[<7CDDDEDC9BCA6248B0FC02A06BA9473D>]/Index[1495 15]/Info 1494 0 R/Length 61/Prev 230275/Root 1496 0 R/Size 1510/Type/XRef/W[1 2 1]>>stream Make it clear that you understand what theyâre doing and clarify what that is, and then talk them... Read the full comprehensive summary at Shortform. This is how difficult conversations turn into a war of opposite views: âIâve got bad news, and youâre going to take itâ is met with âIâm not going to take it â in fact, Iâve got bad news for you! Some conversations are difficult because they make one uncomfortable with their identity. You donât have enough time to prepare for the difficult conversation. 1509 0 obj <>stream Making a conscious effort to improve how you handle these conversations will benefit you immensely. GE Foundation Workplace Skills Program – Module 6 3 Introduction to Module Eight. H��TKo�0��W�( �"J�(z�c/ @��!�!p�6��N��J��lc�$��!��Ը�F��'ߦ`��v(��2 �r��йx��n�u&�$O��% ��h6��x�9�9��R�#�6�*�iܠ�hע�6��Γs��D�u�A��*㊗�TV̤�y/�o�N*/��[��(�؆��JŞ|�O�P��*&�%�6��;�۪:��nk��:$�?��DU��c滳Eߴx%@�Y��n�&��ԁH��9O�i��u�9��ɉ�9�]�U�f��Hz"�� )%fb��CA��L��%L9�R|��\�� H�b``��$��WR��~��|@��T��#��2S/`M. And we all crave tactical advice about how to handle them, what to say, and what not to. When we get hurt or upset, our first impulse is usually to assume the other person meant for us to feel this way. But this book is useful for literally everyone. Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most A High-Level Summary of the Book by Stone, Patton and Heen Office of Human Resources The Ohio State University 1590 N. High St. Suite 300 Columbus, OH 43201-2190 . Specifically, though, humans struggle with certain types of conversation. The And Stance allows us to complicate our identity and acknowledge our complexity by embracing the contradictions. Behaviour Strategies Person passively agrees to everything you say or decide Allow some time to develop a relaxed atmosphere. This is the best summary of Difficult Conversations I've ever read. This summary describes how anyone can master the skills of crucial conversa - tions at home, work and play.The skills it delivers offer new techniques for work - ing together in ways that enable us to succeed. Competition these days requires businesses to increase in size and scale â many successful businesses are global â while also adapting less hierarchical practices for the sake of flexibility. Contribution, on the other hand, is about understanding and looking forward. Start with heart: don’t let the need to win or look good get in the way 2. No action Vs. action (1/2)No Action• Problems escalate • More people get involved• Legal complications • Cost of time, money, resourcesDifficult Conversations: April 2012 5 6. Remind yourself that itâs a delusional assumption to think you already understand someone else. By Stuart Hearn on 28 Jun, 2018. Why we don’t like difficult conversations • Takes time • Emotions (ours and theirs) • Conflict • Protection…Difficult Conversations: April 2012 4 5. Notes from Crucial Conversations 2 iii. Difficult Conversations will help you ask for that raise, bring up issues with your spouse, understand your kids better, and get to the bottom of your feud with your neighbor. But when someone else hurts our feelings, their only intention could have been to hurt us. This is my summary of a book called Crucial Conversations. Improvement requires change, and change is hard and awkward, and requires us to take an honest look at ourselves and break out of our comfort zone. Excellent communication is essential for formal negotiations but is also crucial for everyday interactions. h�b```�f�`~�g`C�,�0A�W�)�;�T3J�)g8�d��"o�F�Fi=��?�#��Ȥ$��oz��~ r֬�+o��9k��Y+W��9��Q��u�|S�҉?Է��H�� ,t$+�|S5��t.��Cڎb�6�R�7Bi5�zu4�� QD�x� �c�� 1��|��j��7 l&*��TS=��F 0b��iv G� ?c{��9)V�&'&�G�v�'�$00�� Iâm either all good,... 3. We all make mistakes, we all have complex intentions, and weâre all still worthy of love. The same is true of difficult conversations. Difficult Conversations is a lot longer than it needs to be, and bloated in some areas. ment.They provide readers with the tools to handle life’s most difficult and impor - tant conversations. Otherwise, they would not be difficult! The more skilled you become at that, the easier difficult conversations will become. Often we want to get something off our chests immediately, but weâve put in neither the time nor the preparation to have the difficult conversation. Work with a mentor on addressing the areas that you wish to improve. After difficult conversations, we might even need to mourn aspects of our identity the way we would mourn a loved one who died. Blame also obfuscates when there are bad systems at play, bigger than a single person who can be blamed. Once youâve done your homework on the 3 meta-conversations and shifted how you approach the big-picture difficult conversation, youâll be able to uphold your own end of it and help the other person participate better. Due to this increase in pressure, businesses have also spent the last two decades trying to cut costs, so much so that there isnât much left to cut. 2. Thatâs a purpose that doesnât make sense and wonât end well. When we make a comment that hurts someone elseâs feelings, we didnât mean to be hurtful â we had other reasons for saying it. Unlock the full book summary of Difficult Conversations by signing up for Shortform. for danger and opportunity, difficult conversations can lead to either distress or harmony. Recognize the purpose behind the strategy: Don’t equate what you’re asking for with what you want 3. endstream endobj 1501 0 obj <>stream Listening to your inner voice will start to give you answers and questions to explore in those 3 areas. Instead of going into the conversation certain that youâre right, certain that the other person had bad intentions, or certain that the conversation is going to go well, focus instead on being curious about the situation. H�\�͊�P��>�]v/�֭jA�I7d1?Lz��MZ��=��#$~�u��n��٥��ه��e�NMp�p��$�]�5��j�o��x��CRU.�o^��! %%EOF Subsequently, we avoid these difficult conversations even if they are essential for success. Is there anything I could say to persuade you?â. But there are things we can do to recognize what our identity issues are, cope better once our identity has been challenged, and think objectively about ourselves. I thought weâd just get the ship up there and then decide as we went along.â This isnât how we want NASA exploring space, and it isnât how we want to head into difficult conversations, either. Having Difficult Conversations . When this happens, first let the other person know that you want to listen to them, but youâre having a hard time focusing. A lie in response to a lie just makes you both liars. Read more articles, books and tips on how to manage through conflict. Difﬁcult Conversations—How to Discuss What Matter’s Most Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen (Harvard Negotiation Project, Penguin Books, 2000, 250 pp.) They are not about what a contract states, they are about what a contract means. H�Ԕy|U��瞙��%!�@r�{�"иT) The antidote to this harmful version of the Identity Conversation is to develop a more grounded identity. Sometimes our feelings are too overwhelming to listen. Some people think these episodes are proof that they âfeel too muchâ â but the reality is that these episodes are the result of not sharing emotions enough. 1. This usually results in internal identity conversation about ones competency, goodness, or whether they are worthy of being loved. Acknowledging that you could be persuaded gives you room to be straightforward about your views and what you need to resolve about the issue. Both of these beginnings are common because theyâre based in how we see things â but they also immediately put the other person on the defensive. Youâre a good boss and you have to fire a long-time employee. Recalibrate your purpose and expectations before deciding to have a difficult conversation. Difficult conversations are scary because the stakes are high and there is a real cost of failure, raising everyone’s defenses. previous difficult conversation and where you’ve had challenges. Sometimes our goals are too distant or unrealistic to achieve, for example, changing the other person completely. Difficult conversations Supporting wellness, Influencing, collaboration and networking, Strategies for dealing with different responses Consider strategies for dealing with the emotions and behaviours that difficult conversations can trigger. Itâs better to approach difficult conversations as learning conversations. Other summaries give you just a highlight of some of the ideas in a book. Having Difficult Conversations with Employees (Scenarios) - Actionable Advice. Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. I learned all the main points in just 20 minutes. When you listen, you get information that is crucial to directing the conversation. Invent a mutual purpose: A higher level/more encompassing goal 4. Furthermore, we usually assume the worst about other people, though we want them to assume the best about us. g`^�H�10�݁��t`�Ҍ@$` �`�� Υ��X��kǚ�4��ZVz�+lTׇ��*�� '� Though some people do have bad intentions, most people have reasons and justifications for why they behave certain ways. hޔRۊ�0��yl)A��a $nC�R��MD"p�`k��[�ۗ"ƒ�\Ι��8�-Ȳ;�e� ��[��2�H��ט(�� [��f��`u�~��t�`�d��)n٪ �]um^.�_��U�H��\�Kj��աI}z?b��X%��6\"[|��?L��e��s��gv��n�8g��E{j"p��4��5�XRާk�zv?5��ϱ[�B�I��=t�Ԟ�]j�^�W�r}��0��)�y|�$g�?Ƣk��h�� tU��w��a'�E�ηK4li��8�6>}_/m��-f+�� And, by not sharing our feelings, we keep an important part of who we are out of our relationships. In Difficult Conversations, Douglas Stone outlines effective strategies to approach difficult conversations. Start observing what things knock you off balance in conversations, difficult or otherwise. This might help you discover other assumptions they have about the situation, or understand their reasoning. Common purpose and communicating you care makes the conversation safe 3. In general, identity issues center on 3 unspoken questions: In difficult conversations, weâre all worried that the answer to each question is no. Conflict is always going to be a natural part of human interaction. Posted by Cam Woodsum June 28, 2020 2 Min Read Ready to learn the most important takeaways from Difficult Conversations in less than two minutes? There are a number of reasons that make certain conversations difficult and an easy conversation can become a difficult conversation very quickly. Humans long to be heard and understood. SHARES. Ask what they would do in your position. I like all those books, Leslie. Ask yourself why. Commit to seek mutual purpose: Agree to agree 2. But maybe you have reservations about Bill that could persuade me heâs not up to the challenge?â, In the same conversation, that employee might say, âIâve offered plenty of good reasons why I donât feel it makes sense for me to work the weekend, yet you donât seem persuaded. Difficult conversations are, well, difficult. 3. The presence of difficult conversations indicates: You care about what you do; You care about the people you are doing it with; Difficult conversations are a big part of leadership. The more curious you can be about their perspective, the less accusatory youâll be about whatâs happened, and the more room theyâll have to participate with you and help you find a workable solution. âHow would you... Q: What if the other person is trying to lie, bully me, or ruin the conversation to get what they want? Here are some basic tips and reframings that will help you have the best difficult conversation you can. Remind yourself that other people are just as complex as you: if you wouldnât want someone else assuming they understood you without listening, donât do it to someone else. (*��(%�8H��8c�-�� f�ԉd�9�@6_IjH��9��(3=�D��R�1%? Unexpressed feelings can leak back into conversation, and can preoccupy people so that they are unable to be good listeners. For some people, unexpressed emotions come out in unmanageable ways, like crying or exploding or lashing out at others. Difficult Conversations teaches readers how to have constructive, respectful and effective conversations exactly when it’s most difficult to have those converastion: when the stakes are high, when you are very emotional nad when the last thing you would want is to talk. When you're caught up in the details and anxiety of a particular difficult conversation, this structure is hard to see. We often launch into difficult conversations without knowing why or what we hope to gain by having them. Let the other party know what would persuade you, and ask what would persuade them. But difficult conversations, if we engage in them successfully, are the mark of a healthy relationship. Thank goodness, I have few really difficult ones. We know we feel hurt or embarrassed or anxious, but we donât know why â then sometimes, we blame these feelings on the other person, as though theyâre âmakingâ us feel that way. September 23, 2018 - Gini Beqiri. CRIB: 1. One of the most critical is our ability and willingness to engage in challenging, difficult, sensitive – in a word, courageous – conversations.’ Source: Ontario Ministry of Education (2013, p. 2) AITSL New role, new conversations 3 2 . Usually, weâre unaware of just how much our past affects our present interpretation and judgment of... For example, if your colleague questions your reasoning in a meeting, you assume itâs because theyâre trying to embarrass you in front of the boss â but if you question your colleagueâs reasoning in a meeting, you know itâs because youâre trying to be helpful. Difficult Conversations. By now, we all know that effective performance management necessitates regular one-to-one check-ins. If your inner voice is too strong, talk instead of listen. If you go into a difficult conversation unwilling to be persuaded, youâre not really going into it interested in their side and in solving the problem. The principles in this book can make a marriage stronger, and can turn... âDelivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade.â Thereâs no nice way to throw a hand grenade, and itâs going to do damage, even if you keep it to yourself. Ever feel a book rambles on, giving anecdotes that aren't useful? Once youâre aware of the meta-conversations and better ways to approach those conversations, you can start navigating the difficult conversation as a whole. But usually no one person is fully to blame. Contribution asks what we both did to get in this situation, and what we can do to get out of it together. Assuming someone meant to hurt you will color how you view them and will affect the course of the difficult conversation. Despite that, I learned and gained a lot from reading this book, and, as I read, I found myself getting a deeper understanding of the subject matter. Notice the shift in language: difficult, a negative word, to learning, a positive word that implies process and mistakes and progress. Making sure your conversation partner feels heard, understood, and accepted first will make it easier for that person to hear your point of view. Once in a while, no matter what we do, nothing will solve the problem. endstream endobj 1496 0 obj <>/Metadata 101 0 R/PageLayout/OneColumn/Pages 1487 0 R/StructTreeRoot 124 0 R/Type/Catalog>> endobj 1497 0 obj <>/Font<>>>/Rotate 0/StructParents 0/Type/Page>> endobj 1498 0 obj <>stream In business, the principles youâll learn in this summary are required just to maintain business as usual. Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most A High-Level Summary … A: Sometimes people do have bad intentions. Thus, many people frame difficult conversations in ways that ignore their emotional content. Once we do that, we can begin to negotiate, on our own, why these feelings are popping up, what past experiences and current triggers are bringing these feelings up, and whether the stories weâre telling ourselves about the current situation are fair or based in reality. 3 things you can do to be a good listener: Difficult conversations are really problem-solving opportunities, and problem-solving is a team sport.